I Failed

How often do we find ourselves saying, or doing something we later regret? How often do we let our stubbornness, our prideful arrogance get in the way of something we desperately need? How often do we let fear, and inexperience get the best of us?

I did all of these things, and I almost lost what I needed the most. I let down My Master. This, these words, are just part of my punishment. He knows me well. He knows they won’t come easily. He also knows the humbling of myself publicly will strip away another layer of that shell I have built around myself. Ultimately, slowly, layer after layer will be stripped away, and I will be free.

Writing of my dream was my first assignment during my training. It came easily. I only needed to open the floodgates of my soul and the words spilled forth. I was so proud once it was complete. I wasted no time in making it available to My Master. Then I waited, and I waited, and I waited.

"Did you read it My Master?" I asked when I saw him.

"Not yet, My Girl, but I will as soon as I am finished here." Excitement and anticipation swirled around my body like an electric current.

"Patience jen." I told myself. "He will get to it as soon as possible. If he waits, if he makes you wait, he is testing you...trying to see exactly how patient you are."

I failed. I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I contacted him.

"Why didn’t you let me know what you thought of the story I wrote for you?" I asked, anger darkening my tone.

"I did respond My Girl." Then after a few moments he continued, "I may have forgotten to send that response to you. I got busy doing other things, and I may have forgotten. I did read it, and you did quite well."

Anger, pride, and past hurt bubbled to the surface like an angry volcano. I exploded. Words were said, ugly words. Words meant to cut like a knife. I was losing control, losing my temper, and behaving badly. My Master, somehow, held himself together.

"My Girl." He said. "If I were there, you would be getting quite the spanking right now."

"Fuck you!" I said, stubbornly. From that point on the words just escalated. One anger word after another tumbled forth.

Time after time he told me, "You are pushing me away My Girl. Don’t deny who you really are. Don’t hide this side of yourself anymore. You will calm down, and when you do I will be here for you." I didn’t listen.

Then he was gone.

I cried, oh God how I cried. Confusion clouded my mind. Why wasn’t I angry? Why did I want him back so desperately? Why did I feel a great loss?

I saw my friend Kate. She was my confidant. She was the one I could turn to with questions, feelings, insecurities. She was an experienced submissive, and many times she held my hand, leading me forward. I poured my heart out to her. Like always, she listened. She told me of the many fights she had had with her first Master. She helped me see that my anger wasn’t so much directed at what I thought it was, the story response. I was angry because I couldn’t manipulate My Master as I was able to everyone else in my life. I was also deeply scared of letting someone get as close to my soul as I knew he would. In the past, I would always run from a potential Master. Now, I had to decide if I wanted to run again, or let the layers of my shell be slowly peeled away so I could fly.

"I have to swallow my pride don’t I Kate?"

"Yes, you do." She told me. "Write to him Jen. Tell him what you have told me, and if you are very lucky he will take you back. You will be punished, and you have to be willing to accept any and all punishments he sees fit."

"I just need him back. It isn’t so much that I merely want him back, but I need him back. I need to learn that I can give up control, and that I won’t always be hurt when I do. I need to let my heart sing again. I know he is the one to help me find that place." I confessed.

I wrote My Master a letter, an apology, and a plead. Then I went to bed, tears of fear rolled down my cheeks. I wasn’t afraid of letting him inside my soul any more. I was afraid he wouldn’t want me back. I also felt this wondrous knowledge. I had learned something about myself. I had learned why I ran so much. I saw myself differently. I always had to have control, and I was always able to manipulate people to do as I wished. My Master wouldn’t let me do that to him. Because of that, I wanted him all the more.

I felt a layer fall away from me that night. As I drifted off to sleep, I realized that even if he didn’t take me back, I would be OK. I would go on. Someday another Master would come along, and I would learn from him too. Deep in my heart though, I wished, I prayed, that I would be forgiven. This man, this Master, My Master, brought a smile to my face, a shiver to my body, and warmth to my soul. I needed him.

The next morning, I heard from the man I so desperately needed. My Master was not pleased, but he was willing to give me another chance. I was going to be locked out of his life for a while, a few days. That hurt, hurt a lot, but I understood. He then told me to do something that would come very hard, and be painful, but would also make me look once more at exactly what I had done. It would make me see it again, relive it, and face the regret over and over. It would also be made public, and that humbled me.........i needed humbling.

My Masters words were simple, ones he had said before. "Write of this, My Girl."

"Yes, My Master." I said.

jennifer 12/12/98